An uncharacteristically honest and personal post
I’ve never been very good at talking about my mental health and I am not sure how well I’ll do in this post, but I felt the need to write something.
Since I was a teenager, I’ve struggled with depression but have never felt valid enough to seek help. I’ve often found that I get such a build-up of emotions that I simply don’t know how to handle them and so over the years I developed the coping mechanism to shut down and turn myself off from the things I like and even don’t like and to distance myself from family and friends.
This year has been particularly hard on everyone and we have all dealt with it in different ways. While some people managed to find a creative outlet to help with their mental wellbeing, I seemed to do the opposite and slipped further and further away from something I have loved doing all my life.
I can’t say exactly why this is. All I know is that the growing unease I felt whenever I picked up a paintbrush or pencil over the last 12 months has left me struggling to be creative in the ways I am used to.
Maybe it was some form of personal punishment in response to the guilty feeling that I shouldn’t be finding the situation so hard? Maybe it was just a failure to adapt to such unusual circumstances? Whatever the reason, it’s not been healthy and has left me feeling inadequate and like an imposter when it comes to art.
I’m not really sure on the purpose of this post other than to get a few things off my chest. I do feel in a better place today than I have done and although my mental state is like a fucking yoyo, I guess I just wanted to put down where I am at the moment.
I’ve started to go back to basics when it comes to my art. I’ve still got all my old school and college art briefs and have started working on one of those. The purpose is to get my observation and drawing back up to the level it was at, then to further improve and hopefully build up my confidence again. I may or may not post project updates, but I am not putting myself under any pressure to do so. I’ve often found the thought of putting art pictures on social media has stopped me experimenting due to the pressure of not wanting to show anything even slightly bad.
I suppose that’s it for now. Apologies if this turned into more of an incoherent ramble than I intended it to.
I do feel the need to say thank you to the people who have helped me get through this year (both old friends and new). You are all bloody brilliant! Now I just need to try and remember how to speak to people face to face for when we are allowed back to the pub.
I realise this is supposed to be my art site so here, have a tiny mushroom…